Not once, not twice, not thrice… it happened countless times that I could not even remember.
This is the first time that I will be sharing my story. No lies, no pretending. I want to finally set myself free. I want to finally be BRAVE, trust me, this is not easy. So please bear with me if sometimes I make no sense at all.
Yes… I was raped. I was physically, sexually and mentally abused. I was at that age when my only problem was how to not draw out the lines of my colouring book when it started. I was so scared, I felt helpless…. hopeless. I could not tell anyone, I couldn’t even cry. It kept happening that I couldn’t even feel anything. He would hit me if I cry. I know he would kill me if I tell anyone, so I did not. I didn’t know what love was, I only know hate, I only know lust, I only know how to be afraid.
I didn’t know how it feels to be taken care of. I went to a private school but I had to learn everything on my own. No one helped me do my homework, no one taught me how to write, no one taught me how to read. Maybe someone did, but I have no memory of it. I only remember being alone.
Until one night, I could no longer contain it. I was only 11 years old, a payat little girl who was very very scared. Naaalala ko lahat, every tiny detail. I decided that I want to get out, I know that I needed to get out, I know that there’s something out there better for me, naisip ko hindi ko na kaya kung ano pa ang gagawin niya sakin kapag nalasing nanaman siya, so I did. Sabi ko bahala na! I packed my bags, threw it out of the fence. I even said goodbye to my childhood bestfriend, she and her family were witnesses. I remember her and her ates wishing me luck. They never tried to stop me because they know I need it. Nagpalit lipat ako ng tirahan. Nakikitira ako sa mga taong hindi ko naman kaano ano for 9 years. I managed to finish high school with the help of the person who really took care of me, I call him Dad (my step-grandfather). He’s not my blood but he was my only family.
My mom died when I was 3. They told me she died in pain. She died of a kidney failure because someone tried to kill her by hitting her back. When people ask me that’s what I tell them but I don’t know…. I can’t even remember her face.
My siblings, you ask? I keep lying about this. Lagi ko sinasabi I don’t know where they are. But ang totoo, alam ko. I know where they are, what their current status in life is but I keep denying. Ayoko mainvolve. Awoke maging part pa ng buhay nila. Ayoko malaman. Ayoko marinig. Ayoko pagusapan. But now I will. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. My Kuya, nakulong for many years because of possession daw ng Marijuana but he’s out now. He works as a freelance photographer, band singer/guitarist I believe – he’s really talented. My 2nd kuya is currently under the care of foundation, hindi ko alam name and place but that’s what they told me. He’s suffering depression, he was the one left at “home” when we all left. Imagine what he had to go through. My ate, maaga nagkapamilya, she was only 16 when she had her first child. She married a guy who sells cigarette on the streets. They have 4 kids now, I think. I know a lot about them but I have not had any communication for years. I don’t want to see them I don’t want to see what my family had become. We were very well-off. Me, my siblings, Dad, were doing really great until “someone” showed up and destroyed everything.
I craved for a family, I craved for love. I know I have so much love to give that I am afraid of being rejected. I am so strong… stronger than most people think that I am hurting myself. I am so brave that I keep hiding in my own shadow. I am doing this for myself. Cliche but I want to let myself free from all worries, from all the pain that I’ve been holding for 24 years. I want to end my suffering. Suffering that I created.
So today, while I write my story, I want to start forgiving.
I want to start forgiving the person who I’ve been referring to as “someone”. Papa, I don’t know if I can see you face to face, I don’t have that courage yet. Right now, I am crying my heart out, I am forgiving you. I want to thank you for doing what you did, if not for all of it, I won’t be writing this story. My goal to inspire people wont be convincing if not for you. I’m sorry if I blamed you for everything that’s ever happened to me. I’m sorry for blaming you that I don’t have a mom. I love you as my biological father. I thank you for the good memories I’ve been trying to erase in my head because I only want to remember you as the person who destroyed me. I’m sorry.
To JD, thank you for helping me build myself up. I won’t have everything that I have now if not for you. Thank you for opening me to opportunities. I’m sorry for being such a princess but I know you love taking care of me. Thank you for supporting me in everything. Thank you for being the best man I’ve ever known and ever will. You are the perfect example of a Kuya, a Tatay, a Nanay, a Bestfriend to me. I know when you get to read this, you’ll understand me even more. I’m Sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.
To all the people reading this right now, whatever you are going through in life, know that someone out there is fighting with you, fighting for you. I can’t tell you how many times I tried committing suicide. I’m glad I didn’t. Continue pushing, continue thriving, continue finding your own true self, you may not know where you are, what you want right now but soon you will. Feel your heart. I’ve always doubted myself, I’ve always asked myself what’s my purpose in life? I’ve always asked God what he really wants for me? I felt like I have no gift, I’m bad at singing, I’m a horrible dancer, I only know how to be loud and talkative. I figured maybe I can use it to help people. Maybe that’s my purpose. Maybe my gift is to communicate. I’m also still trying to figure it out myself but I know I am closer to where I need to be. I am still confused, I am still learning. I’m not going to say that I know exactly. ut someday we will all look back and say we made it.
This is me. This is my story.